Hopelessness, fear and despair.

Six months ago, I bought CBD oil. It calms me, no arthritis and my neck is superb; sideways, shoulder to shoulder and no stiff neck. It’s truly a miracle.

I use 25 mg (an eye-dropper full) in the night time, bought hemp lotion for the right side of the foot. I do a lot of walking and sometimes I have hardened skin of the plantor surface. The callouses softed the hard stuff.

All of a sudden, sort of, the feeling of doom. Hopelessness, fear and despair. I’m pretty upbeat person, all told. Forge ahead, you know? Depression is a awful thing.

I stopped the CBD oil. Gradually, two or three days, I’m normal again. No symptoms at all.

I researched well, establish facts and investigation of hemp. Nevertheless, is bad for me.

On the negative side, $90 bucks a pop is nothing to sneeze at.  Live and learn.

One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy....

One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy....

I use a government cell phone, Tracfone and SafeLink. It’s a free phone. My phone works but, it’s disconnected. The computer voice said call 911. The calls on my phone, ingoing and outgoing calls; it’s not working. It’s dead. It’s in limbo. Well, that’s just wonderful.

I have aphasia. Words fail me. I have a script for the cellphone in my folder for the plumber, the lawn guy, the Culligan man…you get the picture. The dictionary and Thesaurus are a lifesaver.

The cellphone is disconnected. I go to the internet message center for SafeLink, explained the situation. I typed “I use a government cellphone. It’s a free phone. My phone works but, it’s disconnected. Help me, please. I used the proof of documentation for SafeLink,” said the script.

Oh, I get it. Long story short, numerous swear-words, email pixels, ID numbers and exhausting brain-freeze, all this work for naught. SafeLink is correct. The message center woman explained their annual income and monthly income below is minimum.

Late September, Fiat Chrysler Motors has retirement fund for retirees. I’m 69 in August. It’s substantial and I can breathe again.

Meanwhile, I ordered the Consumer Cellular. Before the cellphone, missed calls, abysmal apps (or no apps) and general disorder. I need a new phone.

I’m waiting for UPS. CC has a transfer phone for SafeLink. Once your phone arrives you should activate online. Here’s a plus, your number will automatically transfer on 04/01/17 if you have not already finished the process. That’s handy.

I’ll think I’ll wait for the first of April. No more Robo calls. It’s peaceful. 

SI...it's a bikini fest!

It's a bikini fest.

Harold, my neighbor, comes with the mail frequently, blustery winds, snow and wind. I’m not gonna do it. Brr.

“Swimsuits!” said Harold.

Swimsuits? There, Kate Upton, a necklace of beads and everything; a Sports Illustrated bikini fest. Postmarked upside down, Mickie Roller, arcane language for SI numbers, letters and address. I worry about the internet. It’s out there, lurking.

I played detective for the internet and SI appeared. Got the account number for the postmark and voila. There it is. My name, address and a Pennsylvania zip code. Well, where’s the cancellation? There, nested among the “revoke” terms, I entered-returned…but wait.

There’s pop-up screen. M2 Media Group (probably subscriptions) for cancellation; call this number. I called. There’s tuneful, melodious (prerecorded), lady stated the first issues are free. Sucker you in, perhaps? Then, the lady presents an address, if you want to cancel. Numbers and letters are bad news, really bad news. I get confused for 17 years. Regroup.

I found the internet M2 Media Group, found the cancellation, found the account number and stopped the product, all by myself. “Submit” and done. Whew.

I’m overwhelmed and flooded. I keep going.Two or three years ago, I had a sea change. I’m calmer now. Reasoning and understanding. My little brain is fried, though.

Oh, by the way, never subscribed to anything for magazines. 

Big Brother is watching you.

Internet Bank Statement

I looked at my internet bank statement every blessed day, and there’s a charge on my statement  to the tune of $162.47 for Dish Network One T. You know, TV? I have no cable, but I miss CNN. The antenna works well.

I had a stroke and words fail me. I’m a little aphasic and I have crib notes; a script. “I’m Mickie Roller. I had a stroke. I need help with my internet debit.” I ordered NOTHING. I talked to Dish numerous times. The Dish guy, Roderick, couldn’t be nicer. He had questions for the address and have you ever had Dish (No.). Bottom line, the charge was dropped.

I called PNC Bank, explained the situation and the charges were dismissed. All bases covered.

Meanwhile, what about the debit card? Yes, there’s nefarious people. Just to be safe, I ordered the debit.

Burt Lancaster!

Starbuck!

I switched the remote to the TV bedroom and “The Rainmaker” was on. No, Matt Damon, the REAL rainmaker, with Burt Lancaster, Katherine Hepburn and (you remember “Sea Hunt”) Lloyd Bridges,1956. What a wonderful flick!

Burt Lancaster, for four years, he couldn’t speak at all after the stroke, a “speechless invalid,” said Kirk Douglas, in “My Stroke of Luck”. Kirk Douglas had a stroke, too.

Surprise! Me too.

All I want is a tuna sandwich.

I massacred it.

I want a tuna sandwich.  That’s sounds sensible.

Albacore tuna, chopped dill, small clove of minced onion, salt and pepper, soupçon Dijon mustard, all good. Well, wrong.

My left hand does everything, from mouthwash, mail, dinner with the dogs, and blowing my hair with one hand. The right hand is DOA, it just sits there. Actually, there’s movement there; the ball works well, exercise-wise. But, alas, my right arm is stiff.

The StarKist brand takes 12 oz. of tuna. Mighty big. The Hamilton Beach can opener for lefties (or, righties) is hard. “Open cans of all types and sizes effortlessly,” it boasts. Not tuna. Maybe it’s the mechanism, maybe it’s the cut and cutting lever. After all, I’m leftie. Sometimes, my little brain is staticky, short-circuit as it were. I’m livid.

The junk drawer is a can opener, I reason. The knob and grip handles takes two hands.

Much swearing. I rooted around of a G.I. can opener with one hand. Secure the tuna with my left foot and balance the weight with one hand. The cans are sharp. Nada.

Finally, the bottle opener. Little shards of metal shavings are not good. In the garbage can it goes. Perfectly good tuna, too. 

Plan B.

Tomatoes, potatoes, kiwi...Oh my!

https://www.farmboxdirect.com/home/welcome

My caregiver, Anita, shows up once a month for shopping. Case in point, what IS the point? I shop online.

WalMart, Amazon Prime, LL Bean, Indigo Wild (goat’s soap and so much more), Yankee Candle, Wholey Fish Market in Pittsburgh; just a click. I looked online and Farmbox Direct is ideal. Organic produce, fruits and veggies, fresh things; I live myself and threw out stuff, old stuff, rancid stuff in the refrigerator. Yuck.

FD, two times a week, 2 potatoes, two tomatoes, a bunch of kale and carrots, grapefruit, navel oranges and kiwi. Apples, too. The list goes on. It’s pricey, but what’s alternative? It’s garden crisp.

Just so you know, I couldn’t speak and walk, completely aphasic, confined to a wheel chair in five hospitals for seven months,17 years ago. I didn’t know my name in ’99. 

I don’t have a car now. THAT’S ironic. I worked at Volkswagen Manufacturing and Fiat Chrysler Motors.

Mail Order Blues

"Text" is hard!

I filled out the forms (on the internet)for Highmark BS/BC from the mail order and, safe to say, it’s hard. Through the message center at Highmark, I explained the key pads (typewriter) are not working with the screen. Help. Minutes later, the message center explained that the PDF and tools and the dreaded downloading and Preview will now allow you to type your information onto the form directly.

Yeah, right. Three hours later and four pages later (much swearing, too), I did it. The “Text” is difficult, especially on the left hand.

Mail order is fast and easy. I don’t have a car, either. I called the doctor with two scripts, metoprolol and losartan potassium, for high blood pressure. I’m a happy girl.

Seventeen years ago, I couldn’t speak and walk, aphasic to the max. What a difference a day makes.  

Swedish Cutting Board

Chop, chop!

This is the best thing I ever did. 

A Swedish Cutting Board. Chops carrots, potatoes, celery, pots and pans and nooks and crannies. I open jars and cans, too. My left hand is everything; the right hand is DOA, unfortunately. There’s suction cups, four corners, and it’s difficult. Not to worry, pried with my left hand (the suction cups) and it washes with a paper towel. It adheres well.

https://www.amazon.com/Food-Preparation-System-Etac-Pattersons/dp/B0056Q12GY/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1485541206&sr=1-1&keywords=swedish+cutting+board

Use the little vise-grip (the red sphere) for jars and cans. The cutting board are four suction cups. Press tightly on the vise-grip. Use the jar gripper pad. or a tea towel works. (Remember, leftly loosy and righty tighty, sometimes, I get confused for the left hand.)  

Secret Ingredient Biscuits

Light and Fluffy

I have a cholesterol problem (statins give me joint pains) and I watch every mouthful. I had a whopping stroke, too. I watch an America Test Kitchen* on PBS.

That said, I substituted 3/4 cup of Vegan Hellman’s Mayo, 1 cup of Silk Cashew, 1 tsp. of diil, and two bulbs of garlic (10 seconds nuked, garlic press). It’s light and delicious.

Recipe: Secret Ingredient Biscuits

2 cups flour

1 tablespoon sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoons baking soda

3/4 teaspoons salt

1 cup Silk cashew 

3/4 cups Vegan Hellman’s Mayo

1 tsp. of dill

two cloves of garlic (10 seconds nuked, garlic press)

*ATK 1 cup of milk and 3/4 cup mayonnaise, alternative.

A Mild Case of the Shingles

Ew. Shingles.

Sunday evening, I watched Madam Secretary with Tia Leone, and something happened.  My left brain and scalp itches, markedly. I tried to ignore it. A stabbing pain, in my brain, through and through. The stroke comes to mind.

Two days after, I broke out in, presumingly, hives. Sixty-eight years, I never broke out in hives. The left neck, throat, my left ear and left scalp itches. Very strange.

I have rats outside the house, specifically, the garage. I live out in the country, varmints, ground moles and, yes, rats. Tuesday, in the afternoon, I developed hives. I attributed that from organic rat poison…perfectly safe. I worried about owls, chipmunks and raccoons. It’s not their fault.

It’s not hives. Two times a year, fortunately, I had an appointment with my doctor Thursday, my biannual check-up.

“You have a mild case of the shingles,” the doctor said.

Incredulous, “Are you sure?”

The doctor furrows his brow, “Yes. I would know,” smirking. “You have prodromal discomfort, for two or three days before the rash?”

Tia Leone last Sunday, a stabbing pain, in my brain.

“Affirmative.”

One in three developed shingles, a scabby purulent discharge, itches like crazy and oven-mitts comes to mind. The doctor prescribed valacyclovir hcl, 1 gram tablet, for seven days. 

http://www.walgreens.com/topic/pharmacy/scheduler/shingles-vaccine_31.jsp?ext=msnSenior_Immunization_NB_Exact_Immunization_NB_Shingles_Exact_shingles_vaccine&sst=64e7317f-30f4-4721-ba7f-dec926f6346a

I hate shots and Big Pharma.  Just so you know.

A cap and bottle, please.

Sigh.

Hats off for CVS “push & turn” medicine device. Not.

For two days, I went through needle-nosed pliers, a bottle cap with ridges, manicure scissors and my trusty hammer just in case. No avail. I had a stroke. The left hand is fine but, my right hand is dead in the water.

I looked on the Internet for hot water…it soften’s the bottle. Nada. My right and left tennis shoes, firmly placed for the medicine receptacle, my left hand pushes and turns. Nyet. A child can to this. Well, wrong.

I’m complaining. I’m calling CVS. I’m a little bit aphasic, words fail me. Script notes I can do, but the CVS man/woman computer is quite hard, forming apart of numbers and digits. My head is reeling. Sixteen years, I’m totally bad with numbers. Nevertheless, a cap and bottle, please.

The mountain tops are rainy and wet, and my neighbor takes the mail for me.

“Hey, to me a favor? Can you open a bottle for me?”

Two hands. Nice.

I had a chimney fire in my wood stove.

 A standby generator.

I had a chimney fire in my wood stove.

Two-doors down, the neighbor noticed a conflagration on my smokestack. The neighbor called me, I immediately closed the flue. I forgot the clean out the flue. My bad. Called Nickos Chimney tout suite.

Seems a tree had fallen, a big, whopping tree lay on the road. The electricity is gone. Eight hours later, in the evening, lights! Meanwhile, I’m a popsicle. 

There’s more. The water’s gone too. Frozen pipes. I forgot to turn on the water. Three days later, there’s water again. Thanks, Culligan! I have five gallons, four each. The dogs had fresh water. Slurp. The dogs are happy.

Ahh, the Jonah blizzard of 2016. The chimney fire, electric problem and water (I have well water). I finally learned. 

Be prepared! 

I live in the Laurel mountains in Pennsylvania and little woodland creatures abound. I love my life.

I called Generac, a standby generator. It automatically swings to action. Probable solved.

I did it myself; 45+ channels, crystal clear sound. It’s not brain surgery (pardon the pun).

Crazy person.

I’m cutting the cord…sort of.

I bought a $69 dollar, 19 inch, refurbished,TV at WalMart (gotta love WM) and HDTV antenna. I live in the mountains. I discontinued the landline, and use the cellphone. It’s a Tracfone, serviceable, but, its no charge; I’m disabled. I use my internet every blessed day and I own two TV’s and a Fire Stick.

Last month, I called Armstrong, to the tune of $200+/- per month. That’s a lot cable. I explained the situation, no landline, and keep the internet and pull the plug for TV (the fishing channel…really?). TV is manageable, and dropped down at $125+/-. Armstrong has excellent service.

I assembled TV (the left-hand is a bear, the four screws in the base for the TV), I lugged the set in my bedroom (its light) and antenna, (20 tries, I finally took duct tape and plastered the signals on the window…again, my left-hand). 

I did it myself; 45+ channels, crystal clear sound. It’s not brain surgery (pardon the pun).

Keep in mind, no internet and no TV; the wire doesn’t help for electricity in a big storm. The cable is out. A small generator, I have a wood stove, five-gallons of water and provisions, just in case. Plus, a have wonderful neighbors.

Bye, Armstrong.

P.S. 01/06/16: Three TV's and the antenna is fine. CBS, ABC, NBC and PBS (4 channels), the sound is good and the picture is clear. 45+ too. I'm a happy girl. 

I don’t understand the concept of numbers. The gibberiish.

The dropped foot is no picnic. 

I fight throw rugs (no more!), trip myself and the dachshund moves out of the way.

I have WalkAide for seven years. The peroneal foot lifts the electrically…kind of a cattle prod.

 I’m out of electrodes.

Fifteen years, I had stroke. I’m totally bad with numbers and the dreaded spelling. Linda from Hanger products is my contact for Pittsburgh. She called me with a voicemail, indicated that the WalkAide is here and her cellphone is total gibberish. Fifteen years, I don’t understand the concept of numbers. One to ten, or more…I struggled. I can’t hear her; though, the hearing is completely fine. Gibberish.

Finally, numerous voicemails I have a system. The area code, location and the numbers. The brain tells me that four…one…two (I jot it down), call the voicemail, two…two…five (I jot it down), call the voicemail, two…five…three…five (I jot it down). Digits are bad, (1-10) I have no concept, again my brain is fried. For example:

four

one

two

two

two

five

two

five

three

five

I get that. I get the visional, not numbers. I call numerous times, many, many times. Yikes.

Maybe, I’ll consider the captioned phone. Before the stroke, I have an A personality…always on the move, the next big thing. 

God’s little irony.

I discontinued the statins. I’m not a Doc or a science guy.

 Spinach and strips of fat.

My cholesterol is 264, down to 283 last year; 200 mg. is the norm. I’m trying. Yay!

I discontinued the statins; muscle pain (especially the calf muscle) and the lower back. I look like a little old lady. Instantly, the pain was gone. (24 hours, more or less)

In my opinion, (just my opinion!), in masks the symptoms. Hypothetically, the woman takes statins, say 175 mg. Meanwhile, the woman eats butter, eggs, dairy, whole milk, the dreaded beef (corn fed). The liver pays the price for statins, (Bloodwork for the liver, that’s a given.) and predispose you for diabetes, type 2. http://www.webmd.com/diabetes/news/20150304/statins-linked-to-raised-risk-of-type-2-diabetes

I’m not a Doc or a science guy.

I’ve changed. Reverse-osmosis water, fruits and vegetables (organic, please), lots of beans, ground turkey, organic chicken, lots of fish and Tofurky. Check it out. It’s a soy-based product. http://www.tofurky.com/tofurkyproducts/ground.html

One vice, I have a sweet-fang. Candy-corn, peanut fudge, caramel is my downfall and love crystallized sugar. Yum.

I’m gonna work on that.

It’s too much phone-idge.

Ring.

I discontinued the 547 numbers and I have an existing cellphone, quasi-phone; a generic TracFone. I called Armstrong Cable and the phone is no more; hey, $30 bucks is $30 bucks! TracFone is a free phone and is serviceable, albeit the bells and whistles. It’s too much phone-idge. 

I called Automated Security Alarm (the thing with the neck chain pendant) and Monday morning, bright and early, the person is coming to install the cellphone.

By the way, words fail me. I’m a little bit aphasic, well, a lot. Irony abounds.

Ah, the laden-cholesterol-mystery-meat with egg and the fake cheese. Yum.

Egg White and Tofurky

My caregiver, Anita, and I were starving for McDonald’s Breakfast items, specifically, an Egg McMuffin (Egg White Delight). The McDonald’s person noted the Egg White Delight is not offered, but the laden-cholesterol-mystery-meat with egg was indeed offered. Egg McMuffin indeed. Sales and Marketing? You bet. Yech. 

I passed, thank you, fired up the kitchen and assembled 1/2 Lender’s Onion (Earth Balance Vegan pseudo-butter), Tofurky Smoky Maple Bacon, two egg whites (dogs love yolks), and low-fat mozzarella (left-hand, yet!).

1/2 Lender’s Onion (toasted), fake butter.

In a small skillet, medium-high, Smokey Bacon, turn it over and its done. Its a soy product.

A shade of olive oil in a small bowl and nuke two egg whites, (a nuance of salt, pepper, dill and parsley) One minute.

Sprinkle low-fat cheese with the egg whites. Nuke. 20 seconds +/-.

It isn’t half-bad.

http://www.foodservicedirect.com/index.cfm/m/4549/S/418/N/121080/Tempeh.htm

http://www.mcdonalds.com/us/en/food/full_menu/full_menu_explorer.html

Ah, macaroni and pseudo-cheddar cheese food.

Ah, macaroni and pseudo-cheddar cheese food.

Actually, it’s not half-bad.

I have an unpleasant probable with bad cholesterol. I can’t take statins; joint pains. Grandma and Grandpap Szczekocki died of a stroke, respectively, 64 and 72. They are obese people, with astronomically high blood pressure and extreme headaches after the stroke. Conversely, I too had a stroke. In the emergency I was fit, extremely (68/28) low pressure (I was dying.) and absolutely no headache. …I digress; my cholesterol is 283 last year.

One cup cheddar cheese is 530 calories and half and half is a whopping 313. My poor lipids. That’s not good. Here’s something different.

Boil 1 1/2 cups of mac. Drain it, set aside.

Boil two sizable potatoes (or sweet smallish potatoes), one carrot, one onion. Peel, please. Fork-tender, 10 minutes, save the water.

1/2 cup of peanuts (or cashews), 1 1/2 hot water (from the pan), 5 drops of cayenne, two or three pepper flakes, veggies, 1 tsp. salt, 1 tsp. pepper, 2 tsp. of garlic powder. (Nutri Ninja, Nutribullet, or, a plain old blender, pulse for 20 seconds.)

In your microwave, 1 tablespoon Earth Balance pseudo-butter, handful of crumbs for flavor. 10 seconds.

Spray Pam liberally, 10 x 10 pan. Pour the mac and crumbs (space them out). 40 minutes 380 degrees.

It’s not mac and cheese, but full of veggies and nutritious peanuts. Enjoy!